strike a match to watch it burn

i'm really amazed at this past summer. i didn't really accomplish anything physical, but i feel like i've grown a bit personally.
i think that something when i was younger really hindered my ability to have a relationship of any sort. i've always blamed that on moving but i think it began earlier. i second guess my own feelings and everyone elses, i never believe things can be what they seem.
i have felt so dependant on everyone elses love that i've changed myself for it. i have dumbed myself down, made myself up, and given pieces away. this year i remebered how to survive without friends and discovered i didn't want to live with myself. and i'm trying to change that, without me. honest is how i want to look. the truth doesn't glitter and shine. i don't need to be original, or ingenius, i need to be happy. i need to be upfront, i need to be real.

i found her myspace and finally realized that she has grown up. she's beautiful, tall, and she doesn't spell out her words. i'm glad it still annoys me when she does that. i'm glad that as insipid as her page seems, she seems happy. happier than i am. i'm glad she seems to have moved on. a few months ago i couldn't have said that, but now... i would rather have her happy than have her thinking about me.

i'm tired of the angst and drama of this journal and am going to start putting real updates into my other one, _brandnewvice. its available and public. secrets are too much fucking work.

first post will be about seeing death cab and the flaming lips in ohio if you want to know

so i'm thinking of starting a zine about high school/teenage life.
the good stuff, the bad stuff, the crazy random stuff.

if anyone would like to contribute stories, poems, or artwork, especially about summer vacations, i'd love you all insane amounts.
email it to me at brandnewvice@gmail.com

thanks

sometimes i want to go back, not for the pain but the fame.
no, thats not quite it, but its like an identity. nothing can encompass a personality, but that is an introduction. an explanation.
an artist a bassist a cutter a writer
i feel like i've given up on who i am.

and maybe that is my reason behind everything i've been doing.
new definitions.
last year i knew who i was.
i might not have liked it but i knew.
now i am an pagan atheist who wants something to believe in.
a wannabe writer, an artist without skill
she asked me if i was drug free and i said yes, i don't think people should use mind altering drugs.
every night i want something more.

karls party was the most fun i've had in weeks, but i'm afraid of getting lost.
in the dark and in the lights.

i hate my entire existence lately.
and my reasons for everything are probably horribly egocentric, an affront to so many people but i don't care.
maybe your reasons for doing something aren't as important as just doing it.

as strange as this sudden thing has become, i've gotten used to it in the past week or two. and it now feels strange to have not talked for half an hour.
but i guess it really is better for her.
and i want to write an explain that i still have questions, but i'm not going to put effort into making her want me more, because that is even more selfish than i will admit to being.

why did she say no?
i can't help hating myself for asking, hating her for promising something she didn't give.
and i don't know if i loved her then, but i'm afraid i might now.
i can't help wonder if she would have said yes if i gave her that cd.
remember how i didn't trust her with the truth? how i was supposed to be using her?
she's the crack i didn't notice and i don't think she cares.
i still swoon when she walks through the door

preview for titanic two

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vD4OnHCRd_4

okay, so they aren't really making a sequel, but if they were...
i would actually go see it. because i really like titanic, and consiracy theories, and (of course) leonardo dicaprio.

and um, prom was amazing, i may update later

so saturday was the take back the night march and alix olsen concert. between alix's feminist dyke warrior poetry and the lesbians and the big white tent, i could almost believe i was at michfest. and i was reminded how much i want to be. but oh well.

what with the performance, the march, and trying to start the GSA, i've had a sufficiently queer beginning to my week. and i get to go to brandon's party on friday, plus prom with sarah on saturday.

sometimes words feel immediately familiar

your face crept
into that space
between my reflex and my resolve
kinda like the crevice you don’t notice
til it takes down the damn wall.

and now we are sitting in the window
your forehead is red-hot and touching my knee
and I am checking my pulse,
making sure it hasn’t quit on me.

and I’m sorry if you’re thinking that I knew
what I was doing
I guess what I do best is look like I am in control
but tonight, tonight, I am a soft and untamed thing
and I will wrap my breath around you til your exhale comes clean.
I am checking my pulse
I am checking my pulse.

you are the buried penny at the bottom of the pool
so I guess that makes me the fool diving deep for you
I’ll stick you in my pocket
all shiny, all precious, and all not mine
a hidden, forbidden treasure
baby, you’re the worst kind.
cause underneath the surface, all things loom larger
so I’m searching for your edges
to fish you up, ship you up out of the water
and you are that sweet wish that she’s thrown
I would have caught you in the air, girl, had I known.

and now the space between these bodies
surpasses the sum of its parts
so I am crawling in-between these moments
balancing words hoping I don’t get stuck.
and I was just thinking ‘distraction’
now I’m thinking distraction’s a relative thing
cause I was casually splashing
and now I’m a casualty slowly sinking.

cause in hot water, my brain just kinda puckers up
and I’m drowning jaws wide open now cause my mouth
it just won’t seem to shut.
and you might just be a shiny thing
but you are the shiny thing I am pursuing
and when I said "you talk too much"
it was cause there was stuff I’d rather you’d have been doing.

and then you take my breath
I say "hey, I need that to get back to the top"
"but we’re beautiful down here", you say
"you know, girl
the world won’t stop".
and we are sitting in the window
your forehead is red-hot and touching my knee
and I am checking my pulse
making sure it hasn’t quit on me.

I am just checking my pulse
making sure it hasn’t quit on me
I am just checking my pulse
making sure she hasn’t quit on me
yet.
-checking my pulse, alix olsen

i'm oficially going to prom. hells yeah.

and i am actually glad thats it completly different than i originally thought it would be, because sarah is 100 percent sexier and we have, like, 98 percent less drama.

well, i suppose i could say more, but really i just wanted to brag about my ridiculously awesome promgirl.

you know what makes me love tilly and the wall oh so very very much?

hand claps.
thats right.
download their new song and fing out for yourself

http://youaintnopicasso.com/Tilly%20and%20the%20Wall%20-%20Bad%20Education.mp3

thank god for spring break.

p.s. this is the most awesome advert ever
http://www.epica-awards.org/assets/epica/2005/finalists/film/flv/04005.swf

You Are the Very Gay Winnie the Pooh!

Come on, he doesn't wear pants! And he's a little too obsessed with Christopher Robin

thats kind of awesome, because i definately had a bona fide pooh bear obsession when i was little.

ask me a question about each of the following topics, no matter how rude, sexual, or confidential:

1. Friends
2. Sex
3. Music
4. Drugs
5. Love
6. LiveJournal

Then post this meme in your journal and see what questions you get asked!


there is a definate posibility that i am worse than last year.

i realizd the other day why i got so upset over people drinking and smoking. because they treat it like nothing.
when i drink i know that its stupid and that it won't help and i can handle that.
in my mind alcohol and pot and cocaine are all the same because they all change the way your mind functions.
people want to downplay their addictions and crutches, and i suppose thats what really bothers me.
i guess i just want honesty.
painfully abrasive truth.

anyway, goodnight

put your itunes library on random, ask a question, hit next, and let the song answer you.


1. What is missing from my life?
mistakes and regrets-and you will know us by the trail of the dead

2. Will I find love?
i only said-my bloody valentine

3. Will I become rich?
eros entopic tundra-of montreal

4. Does someone have a crush on me?
here i dreamt i was an archetecht-decemberists

5. What is my favorite sexual position?
song for the asking-simon and garfunkel

6. Am I good looking?
eddie-rocky horror

7. What makes me the most happy?
mother and child reunion-paul simon

8. What is my biggest regret?
change your mind-the killers

9.where will i be in ten years?
she-green day

10.why am i taking this survey?
teardrop-massive attack

11.will i ever be famous?
no pressure over cappucino-alanis morrissette

12.what the fuck?
punk rock princess-something corporate

13. How will I die?
i can see it (but i can't feel it)-my bloody valentine

14. Do I act my age?
what's become of the broken hearted-motown mix

15. What type of tattoo should I get?
kindap the sandy claws-nightmare before christmas ost

16. What is my spirit animal?
track 9 (of from a basement on a hill)-elliot smith

17. Do I like pain?
lonely angel-kid theodore

18. Is there anyone else like me out there?
have you forgotten?-red house painters

19. Do I love to party?
how come you don't call me-alicia keys

20. Where should I move to?
the prisoner-gil scott-heron

21. Am I secretly gay?
this flag signals good-bye-swearing at motorists

22. Will I ever be president?
hold on love-azure ray

23. What is fun for me?
look out for traffic-vue

24. Will I ever learn to fly?
hang 'em high-my chemical romance

25. What is my super power?
mighty little man-steve burns

26. will i kill a person?
i heard it through the grapevine-motown mix

27.when will the world end?
clinically dead-chad vangaalen


and yes, i found that worthy of breaking my posting absence

i think its time for me to officially say goodbye to livejournal.
i've lost interest in whatever it once held for me, i hate feeling like a spectatuer to everyone's lives.
at this point, i hardly use it, almost never publicly, and it only causes arguments and drama that i don't want anymore.
so thats that.
i may come back, and i may still leave the occasional comment, but mostly i think i'm done.
i'll leave you all with a quiz

( Read more... )

art club feels so intensly odd these days.
actually most things with them do.

i think i had forgotten how strange it is to see her, but it always makes me feel so...dull i guess.


i did nothing useful, i am entirely unexcited about the of swirl.
but if i do go, i need to get the form for brandon.
gah.

how did this year disappear?

i know i've been lj dead for a while here, but my internet is down; i'm doing this from my mom's laptop.

sneaking into ian's house last night for doa was interesting, to say the least.
definately a first.

but i had a good time and we had a chance to talk for the first time in awhile so it was worth it.
and thanks to the peeps who gave me rides by the way.

today was brokeback mountain and shopping with brandon.
the movie was tres fab, very sad. the ending was a bit unexpected, but i'm not sure what else could've been done with it, realistly.
hot topic was awesome, even if i didn't get the corset.
i got a pretty girls make graves shirt and some mall goth pants.
and an i don't even think straight sticker for brandon.

i also introduced him to super target and sushi, so it was a pretty good day.
i've actually had a fun weekend so far, even though i'm starting to feel drama coming on.

well.

i went that party the other night with katie and it was incredibly stupid. i'm not entirely sure why i thought going on ian's recommendation was a good idea, but whatever.

it was everyone i never want to see outside of school (or even in school) getting drunk and stoned and talking about me and katie. so we left.
and i'm seriously amazed ian didn't die, he was drunk off his ass within ten minutes.

but whatever.
yesterday we filmed my english movie (now sans mark) and randomly showed up at erick thronson's door.

it was decent.

Supposedly if you've seen over 70, you have no life. Number the ones you've seen. Post your score... if you wanna.


(x) Rocky Horror Picture Show
(X) Grease
(X) Pirates of the Caribbean
( ) Boondock Saints
( ) The Mexican
(X) Fight Club
(x) Starsky and Hutch
( ) Neverending Story
(x) Blazing Saddles
(X) Airplane
Total: 7

(X) The Princess Bride
(X) Young Frankenstein
(X) AnchorMan: The Legend of Ron Burgundy
(X) Napoleon Dynamite
( ) Saw
(X) White Noise
(x) White Oleander
( ) Anger Management
(X) 50 First Dates
( ) Jason X
Total: 7

( ) Scream
( ) Scream 2
( ) Scream 3
(x) Scary Movie
( ) Scary Movie 2
(X) Scary Movie 3
(X) American Pie
( ) American Pie 2
( ) American Wedding
Total: 3

(X) Harry Potter
(X) Harry Potter 2
(X) Harry Potter 3
(X) Harry Potter 4
( ) Resident Evil I
( ) Resident Evil 2
( ) The Wedding Singer
(x) Little Black Book
(X) The Village
(X) Donnie Darko
Total: 7

(x) Lilo and Stitch
(X) Finding Nemo
(x) Finding Neverland
( ) 13 Ghosts
( ) Signs
(X) The Grinch
( ) Texas Chainsaw Massacre
( ) White Chicks
(X) Butterfly Effect
(X) Thirteen Going on 30
Total: 6

(X) I, Robot
(X) Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story
( ) Universal Soldier
(x) A Series Of Unfortunate Events
( ) Along Came Polly
( ) Deep Impact
( ) KingPin
(X) Never Been Kissed
(X) Meet The Parents
( ) Meet the Fockers
Total: 5

( ) Eight Crazy Nights
( ) A Cinderella Story
(X) The Terminal
(x) The Lizzie McGuire Movie
(x) Passport to Paris
( ) Dumb and Dumber
( ) Dumb and Dumberer
( ) Final Destination
( ) Final Destination 2
( ) Halloween
Total: 3

( ) The Ring
(x) The Ring 2 .
( ) Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
( ) Practical Magic
( ) Chicago
( ) Ghost Ship
( ) From Hell
(x) Hellboy
( ) Secret Window
( ) I Am Sam
Total: 2

( ) The Whole Nine Yards
(x) The Day After Tomorrow
( ) Child's Play
( ) Bride of Chucky
(X) Ten Things I Hate About You
(x) Just Married
( ) Gothika
( ) Nightmare on Elm Street
(X) Sixteen Candles
(x) Coach Carter
Total: 4

( ) Bad Boys
( ) Bad Boys 2
( ) Joy ride
(x) Seven
(X) Ocean's eleven
(X) Ocean's Twelve
( ) Identity
( ) Lone Star
(x) Bedazzled
( ) Predator I
( ) Predator II
Total: 4

(X) Independence Day
( ) Cujo
( ) A Bronx Tale
(X) Darkness Falls
( ) Christine
(X) E.T.
( ) Children of the Corn
( ) My Boss' daughter
( ) Maid in Manhattan
( ) Fraility
Total: 3

( ) Best Bet
(X) How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days
( ) She's All That
(x) Calendar Girls
(x) Sideways
( ) Mars Attacks
( ) Event Horizon
(X) Ever After
(X) Forrest Gump
( ) Big Trouble in Little China
Total: 5

(X) X-Men
(x) X-2
( ) Jeepers Creepers
( ) Jeepers Creepers 2
(X) Catch Me If You Can
(x) The Others
(X) Freaky Friday
( ) Reign of Fire
(X) Cruel Intentions
(X) The Hot Chick
Total: 7

( ) Swimfan
(x) Miracle
( ) Old School
(x) The Notebook
( ) K-Pax
(X) Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring
(X) Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers
(X) Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King
(x) A Walk to Remember
( ) Boogeyman
Total: 6

(x) Hitch
( ) The Fifth Element
(X) Star Wars Episode I The Phantom Menace
(X) Star Wars Episode II Attack of The Clones
(X) Star Wars Episode III Revenge of The Sith
(X) Star Wars Episode IV A New Hope
(X) Star Wars Episode V The Empire Strikes Back
(X) Star Wars Episode VI Return of The Jedi...
( ) Troop Beverly Hills
( ) Swimming with Sharks
Total: 7

(X) Air Force One
( ) For Richer or Poorer
( ) Trainspotting
( ) People Under the Stairs
( ) Blue Velvet
( ) Sound of Music
(X) Parent Trap 1
(X) Parent Trap 2
( ) The Burbs
( ) The Terminator
Total: 3

( ) Empire Records
( ) SLC Punk
( ) Meet Joe Black
(X) Nightmare Before Christmas
( ) The Silence of the Lambs
( ) Sleepy Hollow
(X) I Heart Huckabees
( ) 24 Hour Party People
( ) Blood In Blood Out.
Total: 2

TOTAL: 82...thats not that bad, for a lifetime of movie watching. actually i'm more proud than anything

-write at least one thing everyday, starting today

-eat healthier snacks/eat less

-play my bass more

-finish a book or screen play

-go somwhere this summer

-watch all movies nominated for main oscar categories

-finish and move into my new room

i may recluse myself this summer. i think i kind of need it.

off to wisconsin.

which i suppose is okay, but its taking four days away from my projects, which is not too good.
anyway. farewell

a very long survey for who care/are bored

( Read more... )